A Darker Setting

Okay, it has been a while since my last post. Sorry about that ^^" I guess its because I really don't have much to talk about. I have been doing a lot of thinking, but probably not the good kind of thinking that I should be doing. I am ashamed to say that I haven't been meditating for a while. Shame on me, shame on me. :( That's probably why my mind is so mixed up lately. There was one realization that I came to not too long ago. I was wondering why it is so hard for me to keep friends. It really is true. I can make friends easily enough, but keeping them is another story. My guess as to why is because I just push people away. I feel that they are getting to close and I get scared. It's not like I have been hurt by someone, or maybe I have and just don't remember. I am just naturally afraid that people will turn on me, or I just get uncomfortable with people liking me for who I am. I get uncomfortable and shake my head, distance myself from them, stop making plans, stop communicating. I have been that way for a long time. I don't know how I can fix it, because I know that it isn't right of me. I overthink things, look too far into the future and turn my back to it. I know that I just need to be around people I feel totally comfortable with, I need to stop overjudging and overanalyzing. I need to just relax, take people for who they are, they want to be around me. Why does that annoy me so much? I always see flaws in people and it ends up bothering me to the core. I let it sink into the deepest pits of my heart and let it sit there, metastasize until I just can't stand it. I end up usually hurting other people that way, and honestly, it hurts me too. I hate being that way. I want to stop but I really don't know how. Practicing non-judgment is something I try to do everyday. But that's not all, I have to do more. I know this may be a bit strange for this blog, but this is what is on my mind. I will work on it, I will find a way to be able to just relax and not jump to conclusions. Look on the bright side of things. But I always wonder if looking at the darker things that forwarn me will end up helping me or harming. I'm not sure.