I can’t sleep. Not because I’m not tired, but because my mind is scattered, jumping from one subject to the next. There is so much on my mind. I tell myself to get up and practice yoga. It will calm me, but the other part says to write this down. I have wanted to for weeks.
I have noticed a sort of pattern in the men that I find myself attracted to. Once I get to know them, I find that I become neglected. All in sort of different ways, but I still always end up feeling neglected. Before I even started dating, one of the things that I focused on was “self-love.” Because of this I am able to act on things like this. I won’t stay with someone if I don’t feel that they are giving me the attention and treatment that I deserve. I can’t. Because in the department of finding someone, I believe that I come first. I treat myself with respect and therefore feel that I should be treated with respect. This is something that all people in this world should feel and act on. Not everyone does, but with enough practice, it is possible.
We all have those self-depreciating days, where we feel that we are not worth it. We feel that we are not capable of being loved. We feel that we cannot love because how can we love if we cannot love ourselves? I’ve worked on loving myself for years, and I’m still not perfect at it. There are many days where I am hard on myself and extremely insecure. When I feel like that, I take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and sometimes even say out loud “I love you.” Why the hell not? It’s not like anyone is around to see me do this.
My mind is jumping. From one thing to the next. Constantly back to my broken heart. And I sit at the side of my bed, holding my wounded heart in my hands. I look at it and sew it back together and stuff it back in my chest. For some reason the seams fall apart. The seams keep falling apart. And there I am again, sitting at the side of my bed, or on my mat, or on my meditation pillow TRYING to sew the seams back together.
I am a rock. A solid rock. A force to be reckoned with. And if you know me you know that I am so honest to the point where it can be brutal at times. I barely have a filter. Thankfully I can keep myself in check at work. I will never be afraid to tell someone that I love them, nor will I ever regret it. Love is something that I believe is kept too deep inside at times. I know I don’t tell my mother that I love her enough. I should tell her more often. But when it comes to love and relationships, I put myself out there when I do feel something for someone. I will be an open book. Because I understand that as a human being I am love. I love, I am loved, I am love. I do forget this at times, but it always comes back to me.
I would say that I have fallen in love twice in my life so far. I’m not saying it isn’t bound to happen again, but when the heart gets wounded, it does take some time to heal. This last time broke me. I was solid, I still am most times. But sometimes I still cry. I still falter. And despite that, I still feel strong. I am still learning that it is okay to feel emotional at times. I have always had trouble with that. I have always felt that I need to be stoic and guarded. So it hurts when I let my guard down just to feel daggers hit me from every which way. It does hurt. But I am learning to let myself feel that pain, not to fight it.
I am solid. I have been broken. Not for the first time. I will build myself up again, and day to day I will sew my heart back together. I will let myself feel sad. And maybe I will even let my closest friends know that I am still sad, that I am not having an easy time at this.
I pick myself up. And come to stand. Because I am strong. I am strong, but I still feel.